Pearls Of Wisdom

This is a very intimate story about a cancer scare I had in the winter of 2023. For six weeks I lived under a cloud of my own mortality, the cold reality of death impossible to avoid. I turned the experience into this, one of the most auto-biographical stories I have drawn so far. If you like the story, you can buy a copy below.

. Originally published in Biteguard Fever Dreams #2 in

Close up of a hand holding a lighter. The flame is lit to ignite a candle.
A closeup of two taps running to fill a bathtub.
A closeup of an iPhone. Spotify is open and playing the Zero7 album 'When it Falls'
A close up of the bath filling with water, with fluffy mountains of bubble bath foam
A low angle close up of Adam, in the bath, looking upwards.

One night, I had a feverish post-vaccine dream, where I felt a lump on my balls. It seemed so real but the next morning I couldn't feel anything there. It bothered me all day, so that night I ran a bath and rummaged around in the warm water. It took a while but then I was sure I found it: very small and very hard, like a tiny piece of gravel you would get stuck in your knees as a child.

A close up of a toilet as a stream of urine flows into it, illuminated by the candle
An extreme close up of one bathtap, now closed, slowly dripping water into the full bathttub.
A close up of Adam's leg as he sits in the bath, the knee is above the surface of the water.
A close up of Adam's arm as he reaches into the water, his hand is submerged.
A close up of the candle, it has burned down, almost to the bottom.
A close up of a masked doctor's face as he examines Adam's testicles
A low angle mid shot of Adam looking down at the doctor, he is also wearing a facemask.
A return to the close up of the doctor. He says 'Ah yes, I se what you mean.'
A profile midshot of the doctor as he types his notes into a computer. SFX 'tap tap tap'.

It took the doctor 30 seconds to find it. Strangely, I felt kind of relieved. I had been nervous I was wasting his time. He referred me to the Department of Urology at Whitechapel for an ultrasound.

A close up of the doctor as he says 'It'll be called a cancer referral but don't be alarmed - it's just the only pathway I have available.'
A medium close up of the doctor as he says 'I'm worried enough to book you in for a scan.'

When I stepped outside I was clear-headed and calm. I made a promise to myself I would not think about this again until I knew for certain it was going to be something to worry about.

A midshot of Adam leaving the consultation room, closing the door behind him.
A close up of Adam's leg as he sits in the bath, the knee is above the surface of the water.
A close up of Adam's arm as he reaches into the water, his hand is submerged.

This stoic state of mind lasted about eight minutes.

A bedroom at night, angled up at the ceiling as beams of moonlight shine through venetian blinds onto the walls.
A midshot of Adam, sitting up in bed. He is look towards us, at the silhouette of his sleeping girlfriend in the foreground.
The same midshot of Adam as behore. He has moved to the end of the bed and looks back over his shoulder at his sleeping girlfriend.
A low angle close up of Adam walking in barefeet down a long corridor. He is in his pyjamas.
A medium close up of Adam's face, as he stops at one of the doors along the corridor.

Over the coming weeks I was stalked by my own mortality. Dark thoughts of what might lay ahead leaked into every empty moment. The nights were the worst: the darkness filled with visions of the grief I would leave behind. As a stupid young man, I had fantasised about a glorious early death and honestly felt like I was content with the notion that one day I will die. For the first time, I was now in conversation with death. My blood ran cold and my heart broke.

A long shot of Adam as he walks along the long corridor, towards the viewer. Either side of him are white doors.
A midshot of the door Adam has stopped at. It has the number 6015 written on it.
The door swings open and behind it we see Death sitting at a table. He is a man wearing a suit with a bowtie and a tophat.
The opens wider and we step into the room. He is seated behind a table with a cane resting against it. We see his features more clearly. He has thin straggly hair, empty white sockets for eyes and his mouth is one long stitched scar across his pallid face.
A medium close up of death, his bony hands reaching up to beckon Adam into the room. He asks 'Would you like to take a seat?'
An extreme closeup of a medical letter confirming an appointment for a scan.
A close up of Adam's feet, wearing sneakers, on the way to the swimming pool. Close behind his feet is Death's bamboo cane.
A medium close up of Adam from behind, wearing a hoodie,looking over his shoulder.
In the foreground Adam keeps walking, looking concerned. In the background we can see Death strolling casually behind him.

After a consultation on the telephone, I was told I would need to wait two weeks for my scan. Meanwhile the morbid spectre was impossible to shake. I felt a terror — not a panic, but a dull, cold, still terror.

A close up of the sign on the wall of the swimming pool. It indicates the main pool and the mens and women's changing rooms.
A midshot of Adam in the changing room, pulling down his tracksuit bottoms. He says to death 'I like your suit.'
Death sits on the bench next to Adam, holding the bamboo cane between his legs. He replies 'Thanks. I buy them off the rack and get them tailored.'
An eerie low angle closeup of Death, watching Adam. The background is pure black and Death's eyes are empty and hollow.
A close up of Adam's barefeet standing on the edge of a swimming pool.
A profile midshot of Adam, preparing to jump into the pool. He is wearing goggles and standing straight, taking a deep breath.

And then, something incredible happened.

A beautiful full page, full colour, splash page as Adam jumps feet first into the water. The water is vibrant aquamarine blue, he is surrounded by white bubbles. Heaveanly streaks of light cut through the water from the surface.

I felt the coolness of the water rush over every inch of my skin.

I could feel every air bubble rising around me.

I could hear the low frequency rush of water filling my ears.

The water was a vibrant aquamarine, dappled with ever-changing light.

In that moment, I became intensely aware of my own existence.

"I am alive" I thought.

"I am alive and I don't want to die."

Adam and his girlfriend are putting on their coats to go the hospital. Adam says 'You don't have to come with me.' His girlfriend replles 'But what if it's bad news and you're all alone?'
A close up of signs on the wall of a hospital. The signs read 'Radiography' and 'Ultrasound'.
A low angle shot of a male nurse wearing glasses. He is looking off-frame at a screen, his hands reach below the panel.

The hospital was new and we were on the first floor. After a 20-minute wait, a nurse with an Italian accent called me through. He put some gel on my balls and rooted around with his ultrasound while listening to Radio 2. I looked upwards as he captured screenshots. I thought about that moment in the pool, the intense presence I felt; I realised that whatever my diagnosis, I had been given a gift, an aliveness I would never forget.

The same nurse is looking at the screen while he says 'So, it's just a scrotolith. It's a small calcification about 2.7 millimetres'.
The nurse looks at the reader and says 'They're quite common and harmless, so nothing to worry about.'
A medium close up of Death standing by the door. He raises his top hat to say goodbye...for now
A midshot of Adam and his girlfriend embracing.
A wide shot of Adam and his girlfriend silhouetted against sunset. Adam says 'Apparently they are called Scrotal Pearls.' His girlfriend replies 'Wait — so your balls are like oysters?'

Buy Biteguard Fever Dreams Issue #2